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Tim Minchin

He looks at me intensely
Contact lens green with artifical envy
Cocks his head and fixes me with a condescending stare
Flicks his bleached, blond tipped hair
And theorises thus

You know what I reckon?
Pause for effect
Adjusts his tackle as if it’s semi-erect
I feel I’d better give him what I know he expects
What do you reckon?

A hand on the shoulder
An avuncular wink
Sips his lemon drink
Spits out the pips
Hands on hips
Licks his lips
Like a wolf near a flock
Yet again adjusting his fantasy cock
He delivers his philosophy

I reckon it don’t matter
It don’t mean squat
What you earn or what you got
Or the style of your hair
Or what you wear
It matters not

Like what do you care
That I live on a hill with views of the beach
That my chick and my dogs have an en-suite bathroom each
That I’ve already reached my first million and I’m only 26

You’re as thick as two bricks
If you think you can fix
What is broke in your life with money
And the funny thing is
And I shit you not
That I’d give it all up like that

He leaves me to ponder his wisdom for a bit
And with a click of his fingers
Beckons the blondest, bimbo-est barmaid
And grinning ridiculously
Orders a G and T
And a beer, for me
And before I can escape
He’s back saying

Cos mate, the thing is
All of that crap
It’s all superficial
It’s all just a front
Anyone can be a rich cunt
But the thing we all want
Can’t be bought with dosh
You know what I mean boss?
Cos you don’t give a toss
That when I want to get slim
I’ve got my own private gym
And a personal trainer called Danielle or Darlene
She’s got tits
Like those chicks
In Ralph magazine

And it’s not like you care
That I own the controlling share
Of an overseas company
That builds accounting software
It matters not one bit
I mean who gives a shit
That I earn six hundred grand
And drive a brand new land rover
You know I would hand it all over like that

He pauses for a beat
Long enough for me to retreat to a seat
And sit, elbow on the bar
And contemplate this guru
With his white teeth and big car
And ponder silently my belief
That genius comes in many a form
And that this postulating, peroxided porn-star prick ain’t one of them

My specultaion cut short
As he reforms
Like Terminator II
And before I have time to abort
He descends upon me and snorts

I guess what I’m trying to say
In my own little way
Is that I reckon that musos and artists and that
Well I reckon they’re great
I know some people reckon you guys just sit on your bums
And don’t get out of bed til the pizza man comes
And smoke cones
And take crack
And wack-off all day
But I don’t care what they say
And I don’t listen to people
Who say that all actors are gay
Not that I don’t think that’s OK
As far as I’m concerned
Although it’s not my bag
If you wanna be a fag
Be a fag y’know?
Who am I to say
Where you come
And where you go
In the privacy of your own homo
Ha ha
Ha ha
Ha ha
He’s shitting me now

And my eyes start to glaze
And through the haze of my anger
I notice his G and T is gone
And he’s starting to dribble
As he dribbles on and fucking on
But you musos are alright
I don’t know much about music
But I know what I like
And I reckon I’d throw it all in
To be like you Jim
I mean you might be poor in monetary terms
But what you earn spiritually
What makes you what you are
Just means so much more
Than what you earn from a really nice car
Or a tennis court
Or holidays in Greece
Or a house on the beach
Or stock market shares
Or twenty-one pairs
Of Calvin Klein undewear
Do you understand you are a wealthy, wealthy man
I mean I don’t want to piss in your pocket
But i’ve gotta say
Before I get on my way
That honestly, and I’m not having you on
I reckon on day you could play the piano as good as Elton John

The cops are still mingling
Though the crowd’s shuffled out
I’ve got ice on my hand
Where my fist met his mouth 
And although I explained
That it wasn’t my fault
I’ve a five hundred buck fine
For aggravated assault
So before it gets worse
I reckon I’ll bolt
A wealthy, wealthy man
In a 1981 Mitsubishi Colt

If you really loved me 
If you really loved me the way you say you do
If you love me half as much as I love you
You would pluck a planet from the sky
You’d use a star to dot the "i”
In I love you… that is what you’d do
You’d take a cloudy sky and you would paint it blue
If you loved me unconditionally
It’s the very least you’d do for me

You know I need you
Like a fish needs the sea
Like a fire needs oxygen
Like a flower needs a bee
But if you really care for me
You’d let me video you while you wee 
Standing up in the bath, I shouldn’t even have to ask
Perhaps you’ll even store a little more in a flask
These are just the things that people do
When their love for one another is true

We go together
Like a cracker and Brie
Like racism and ignorance
Like niggers and R&B
But if you really want to show you care
You’d let me wear your underwear
When we go to your mum’s, for a bit of harmless fun
I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns
There’s no reason for a big to-do
If your love for me is really truly true

We go together
Like a bird and a nest
Like Internet and kiddie-porn
Like guns and the US
And if you love me like you say you do
You’d purchase thirty cockatoos
And teach them to fly… in formation in the sky
And shit the words "Tim is God” on my ex-girlfriend’s Hyundai 
Sure, it might be easier with doves
But shirking challenges is not what love

Is all about
Love is not all wine and roses
Sometimes it’s handcuffs and cheese
No-one said love is for free
And if you acknowledge that
You’d sing me Bible stories wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
To the tune of waltzing Matilda
I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder

Because I need you
Like a tick needs a tock
Like bananas need pyjamas
Like a nun needs cock
But if you want to put your love for me first
You wouldn’t go through childbirth
You’d agree to adopt so that you could stay thin
We’ll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin
And communists don’t make as much noise
And they’re really good at sharing their toys

Because I dig you
Like an Aussie digs pies
Like Born-Agains dig Jesus
Like Jesus dug guys

And if you love me unconditionally
You’d do my tax return for me
Cos it’s way overdue, and I just don’t know,
I guess I’m self-employed but do I still pay as I go?
And does the threshold apply to me?
And should I register for GST
And if you love me unconditionally
You’ll let me video you while you wee?
Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on TV

Inflatable you
Your love for me is not debatable
Your sexual appetite's insatiable
You never ever make me waitable
Delectable, inflatable you. 

You don't have problems with your weight at all
You never steal food off my plate at all
I never have to masturbate at all
Unstoppable, inflatable you.

You never seem to menstruate at all
So you're not angry when I'm late at all
I feel permanently felatable
Unpoppable, inflatable you.

With you in my arms I feel we could just fly away
With the right kind of gas I might even try it some day
In this ocean of life I'm never afraid we might drown
We could just float forever whatever the weather
Whenever my inflatable lover's around.

Your thighs and buttocks are so holdable
You always do what you are toldable
And if we argue you just foldable
Controllable consolable you.

My mates all reckon you are suitable
I took you round to watch the footable
And Steve and Gary said you're rootable
Commutable, refutable you.

You're never sensitive or tickley
When I rub you my skin goes prickerly
It's know an static electricity
Felicity when I'm kissing you.

Your skin is so smooth, I couldn't afford you with hair
You have all the holes real girls have got plus one for the air
Your problems are simple, I don't need my Masters in Psych
To know if you get down I just perk you right up
With a couple of squirts from the pump off my bike.

You never wake up when I snore at all
A trait which I find quite adorable
You have a box and you are storable
Ignorable, back-doorable you.

Any sexual position's feasible
Although you don't bend at the knees at all
Your hooters are so firm and squeezable
Increasable, un-creasable you.

You don't complain about my hairy back
Or 'bout the inches that downstairs I lack
You're not disgusted by my furry crack
Burt Bacharach, Jack Kerouac, ooo.

Now birth control is not an issue
I clean it all up with a tissue
I bet my jealous friend all wish you
Were insatiably inflatably theirs.

Don’t let me down.
Don’t let me down.
Don’t let me down.
And I won’t let you down.

Ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna live in Paradise, 
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins.
So you're gonna live in Paradise,
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins,
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO,
And when the Lord comes down with his shimmering chariot of salvation,
You're gonna be the first to know.

And so if...
God was there from the very beginning
He invented men and women,
Then He also invented wanking, 
Then He said wanking was sinning.
So if I'm feeling randy
I'm not allowed to hand-shandy,
But having sex with my family,
That is just fucking great.
It's all there in Ezekial 8,
Just before He opens up His big pearly gate,
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the date,
Even if it's great,
Even with your mate.

So you're gonna live in Paradise,
With a ten-foot cock and few hundred virgins,
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at the greener grass,
And when the Lord comes down
With his shimmering rod of judgement,
He's gonna kick my heathen arse.

So if you...
Cover the bodies of your women
Everybody is grinning,
Because black is so slimming,
Though it's not great for swimming.
But it gives me an erection,
With the increased sexual tension,
What with the U.V. protection
That is second to none.
You'll find it all in the Quran
Just next to the bit that justifies guns,
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the bum, 
Even if it's fun,
Even in the scrum.

So you're gonna live in Paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins,
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at eternity,
And when the Lord comes down
And I haven't done my penance,
He's gonna disembowel me.

You say that...
If I...
Stumbled on a watch I'd assume it had a watchmaker,
That a muffin presupposes a baker,
So you must agree sooner or later, 
That this proves that there's a creator.
So if I put my foot in a stinker,
You'd assume the existence of a sphincter,
Thus you don't need to be a great thinker
To coclude that God's a bum,
Which negates the words of Genesis 1
Which made Him out to be so much fun,
Until Adam succumbed
To temptation,
And then His only son
Got nailed to a gum,
Or the Middle-Eastern equivalent,
Which suggests that God's omniscience
Is nullified by His ambivilance,
Unless it turns out that He's impotent,
And if God can't get a boner,
I guess that explains the plethora
Of huge erections in His honour -
Because we all know a steeple's just a subconscious compensatory manifestation of a huge stiff penis -
Still He tells us that it's heinous
To stick a penis up your anus,
Even if you're famous,
Even if you're good at tennis.

So you're gonna live in Paradise
Witha ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins,
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO,
And when the Lord comes downwith his big stiff rod of justice,
I'm gonna be the first to go, 
He's gonna send me down below,
He's gonna whip me like a cotton-pickin' negro,
I'm gonna be the first to go.

Christmas song
I'm looking forward to Christmas
It's sentimental I know, but I just really like it
I'm, I'm hardly religious
I'd rather break bread with Dawkins than Desmond Tutu to be honest
And yes I have all of the usual objections to consumerism
The commercialisation of an ancient religion
And the western-isation of a dead Palestinian
Press-ganged into selling PlayStations and beer
But I still really like ita
I, I really like Christmas
Though I'm not expecting a visit from Jesus
I'll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun
I'll be seeing my dad
My sisters and brother, my gran and my mum
We'll be drinking white wine in the sun
I don't go for ancient wisdom
I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious it means that they're worthy
I get freaked out by churches
Some of the hymns that they sing have nice chords
But the lyrics are dodgy
And yes I have all of the usual objections to the mis-education of children into a cult institution
And taughted to externalise blame
And to feel ashamed
And to judge things as plain right and wrong
But I quite like the songs.
I'm not expecting big presents
The old combination of socks, jocks and chocolate is just fine by me
'Cause I'll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun
And you my baby girl
My jetlagged infant daughter
You'll be handed round the room
Like a puppy at a primary school
And you're too young to know
But you will learn yourself one day
That wherever you are and whatever you face
These are the people who'll make you feel safe in this world
My sweet blue-eyed girl
And if my baby girl
When you're twenty-one or thirty-one
And Christmas comes around
And you find yourself nine thousand miles from home
You'll know whatever comes
Your brother and sister, and me and your mum
Will be waiting for you in the sun
Girl, when Christmas comes
Your brothers and sisters, your aunts and your uncles
Your grandparents, cousins, and me and your mum
Will be drinking white wine in the sun
We'll be waiting for you in the sun
Baby, whenever you come
We'll be drinking white wine in the sun
I, I really like Christmas
It's sentimental I know


Если ты действительно любишь меня

Если ты так любишь меня, как и говоришь
Если ты любишь меня на половину, хотя бы, как я люблю тебя
Ты достанешь мне звезду с неба
И назовешь ее моим именем
Ведь ты любишь меня…и сделаешь это
Ты разгонишь все облака на небе
Если ты безоговорочно любишь меня
То сделаешь эту малость для меня

Знаешь, я не могу без тебя
Как рыба не может без воды
Как огонь, его нет без кислорода
Как цветок без опыления пчелой
Но если тебе я нужен
Ты позволишь мне смотреть на тебя в душе
Даже не спрашивая об этом
Ты всегда хочешь выглядеть лучше, чем обычно
Но так делаю многие люди
Когда любят других по-настоящему

Мы неразлучны
Как крекер и сыр Бри
Как расизм и игнор
Как афроамериканцы и R’n’B
Но если ты хочешь показать свою любовь
Ты позволишь мне надеть твое белье
Когда мы идем к твоей маме, чтобы немного пошутить
Мне нравится говорить о твоем детстве и испытывать приятные ощущения от кружев на белье
И не надо делать ничего грандиозного
Если ты любишь меня, главное, что это правда

Мы неразлучны
Как птица и гнездо
Как инет и детская порнография
Как пушки и США
И если ты любишь меня так, как ты говоришь
Ты купишь 30 какаду
И научишь их летать
И пусть они нагадят на надпись «Тим – богиня», что на машине Hyundai, принадлежавшей моей бывшей девушке
Конечно будет легче это делать с голубями
Но легкая халтурка не показывает твоей любви

Все о любви
Но любовь – это не только розы и вино
Иногда это наручники и сыр
Никто не скажет, что для любви не надо ничего делать
И если ты это поймешь
Ты споешь мне что-то из Библии, и на тебе будет только шляпа каменщика Bob
Споешь под вальс Matilda
мне нравится это сочетание ислама, национализма и шляпы каменщика

Я не могу без тебя
Как тик без така
Как банан без кожуры
Как монахиня без петушиных криков на заре
Мне не обязательно только родиться
Чтобы ты первым показал мне свою любовь
Признай, что немного слабоват
Но ничего, мы можем усыновить китайского ребенка, он научит нас мандаринскому языку
И коммунисты не будут много выступать
Им хорошо удается делиться с кем-то своими «игрушками»

Я люблю тебя
Как австралийцы любят пироги
Как заново рожденные любят Иисуса
Как Иисус любил единомышленников

Если ты безоговорочно любишь меня
Ты заплатишь за меня все налоги
Но я не знаю, может они уже просрочены
Интересно, я работаю не по найму, но получаю также?
Можно ли начать новое дело?
Надо ли мне где-нибудь зарестрироваться?
Если ты безоговорочно меня любишь
Ты позволишь мне смотреть на тебя в душе
Ведь по телеку нет ничего стоящего

Твоя любовь ко мне бесспорна
Ты ненасытна, просто маньячка
Ты никогда не заставляешь меня ждать
Ты восхитительна, пышечка моя ты надувная

У тебя вовсе нет проблем с лишним весом
Ты никогда не ешь с моей тарелки
Мне никогда не было одиноко
Неугомонная, пышечка моя ты надувная

Такое впечатление, что у тебя никогда нет месячных
Ведь ты никогда не сердишься, когда я прихожу поздно
Я постоянно чувствую себя удовлетворенным
Неугомонная, пышечка моя ты надувная

Когда я тебя обнимаю, я словно улетаю
Надо уметь правильно развлекаться
И не бояться увязнуть в океане жизни
И мы можем парить, когда захотим, несмотря на погоду
Главное, чтобы моя пышечка была рядом

Твои бедра и ягодицы всегда привлекают внимание
Ты всегда делаешь то, что говорят
И когда мы спорим, ты просто соглашаешься со мной
Сдержанная, умничка моя

Мои знакомые считают тебя подходящей
Я брал тебя с собой смотреть футбол
Стив и Гарри сказали, что ты классная
Бесспорно, хорошая моя

Ты никогда не обижаешься 
Когда я трусь о тебя, меня словно иголками колет
Это называется статическим электричеством
Я счастлив когда целую тебя

У тебя такая мягкая кожа, и я не могу позволить, чтобы на ней были волосы
У тебя все то, что есть и у обычной девушки плюс одно отверстие для воздуха
Твои проблемы небольшие, и мне нужен психолог, чтобы понять
Что делать с тобой, когда ты спустила
Я просто надую тебя с помощью велосипедного насоса

Ты никогда не просыпаешься, когда я храплю
Эту черту я люблю больше всего
у тебя есть коробка, в которой я тебя храню
ты игнорируешь меня, находясь там в шкафу

с тобой реально можно принимать любую позу в сексе
хотя ты не становишься на колени
ты упругая и тебя можно сжать
хотя ты и не сминаемая

ты никогда не жалуешься, что у меня волосатая спина
и не говоришь про мои недостатки
тебе не противно мое волосатое достоинство
Burt Bacharach, Jack Kerouac, ooo

И семяизвержение не проблема
Я просто вытру все потом
Спорим, мои друзья просто мне завидуют и хотят, чтобы ты
Ненасытная пышечка надувная была их

Не подведи меня
Не подведи меня
Не подведи меня
И я не подведу тебя

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